Love is a choice---unfortunately many individuals choose to love themselves rather than their spouse. This always leads to problems in a marriage. When you say "I do" you are saying that from all of the men/women out there you are choosing your spouse as the only one for you. Fortunately for me in 15+ years of marriage 99% of the time this has been a very easy choice for me, but there have been days where I have to remind myself that I vowed to continually choose Heidi until death do us part. It is at that point that I choose to put her above even myself, but because she does this also both of our needs are met. The only way we can do this, however, is because we strive to keep Jesus at the center of our marriage.
In our marriage seminar, Building a Healthy Marriage (BAHM), we share that if you keep Christ at the center the following will be true of your marriage:
- You will be a student of your spouse seeking to understand how they are wired.
- As you understand them you should do the following:
- Strive to meet their needs before they ask or at a minimum help the with their burdens (e.g. my
wife is a list maker and has a hard time relaxing until her list is checked off. I have a choice I can
watch her run around or I can load the dishwasher, start it and take that off of her list)
- Grant them understanding and acceptance. My wife does a great job of this when she asks me to
do something, but gives me the freedom to figure out when I do it. No nagging she knows that it
will get done even if it is not exactly as fast as she might want. In the end she grants me
understanding that I have reasons for prioritizing things the way I do.
- You strive to understand what they are saying from their perspective not yours. Just because they
say that the sky is blue does not mean that they are talking about the same shade of blue that you
are. Work at figuring out what they are saying rather than assuming you know.
- You will die to self and live to the other. If you do this both of your needs will be met. This takes work and sometimes you have to do this even when the other isn't reciprocating. Christ serves as our example...didn't he love us while we were yet sinners/enemies? Your spouse isn't your enemy. Note: This does not mean let your spouse walk all over you, abuse you or try to force you to do something that would lead you to sin.
- Utilizing my Preventative Enhancement Program (PREP) training you will strive to deal with "issues" rather than "events." Arguments are "events" and typically are a reflection of deeper unresolved issues. Often we have the same arguments over and over. This is because there is something beneath the surface that isn't being dealt with. Dig deeper and ask "what is behind this?" To do this we need to learn to do a better job of communicating.
So love is a choice---are you choosing to love your spouse today?
Blessings,
T
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